


a grave mistake

by asideofourown



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Crack Treated Seriously, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Domestic Fluff, Don't copy to another site, Established Relationship, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, POV Outsider, Post-Canon, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asideofourown/pseuds/asideofourown
Summary: Essa grinned, leaned forward.  “I think that Mr. Fell’s husband is a vampire!”  That pronouncement got immediate and violent reactions from both of her friends.“What?” Rory screeched.At the same time, Sev exclaimed, “That’s not possible!”“Did he try to drink your blood?” Rory asked eagerly, leaning forward onto her hands.“Nah,” Essa replied, not wanting to admit that that hadn't even occurred to her.“Then, what?” Sev demanded.  “Why d’you think he’s a vampire?”“He dresses all in black,” Essa explained with the air of someone very wise generously dispensing their wisdom.  “And everyone knows that only vampires dress all in black.  And he was wearing sunglasses indoors, probably on account of his vampire mind-control powers.  And he was sleeping during the day, which was prolly cuz vampires are nocturnal.Andhe has fangs.  Saw ‘em myself.  There’s obviously no other explanation, ‘cept he’s a vampire.”[Some of Crowley and Aziraphale's new neighbors get the wrong impression]
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 99
Kudos: 948
Collections: Good Omens Holiday Swap 2019





	a grave mistake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blitzgame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blitzgame/gifts).



> Hello! This was written as a pinch-hit for the [Good Omens Holiday Swap](https://goodomensholidayswap.tumblr.com/) for [ blitzgamev!](https://blitzgamev.tumblr.com/) I took your prompt about people making some incorrect assumptions when the husbands move to the south downs and kind of just........ ran with it :')
> 
> [Brief warning for the last section, just in case: a character is briefly chased by a dog, but she's completely fine]
> 
> I really hope you enjoy :D

Essa snuck down the stairs from her bedroom, lured out by the scent of baking chocolate chip cookies.She had managed to creep up to the counter and was just reaching for a cookie when her mam said sternly from behind her, “Essa, please don’t, those are for the new neighbors.”

Essa turned guiltily, and poked her lower lip out.“Just one?”

Her mam sighed deeply, absently wiping her hands off on the towel in her hand, and then said, “Well, I suppose we do need to do quality control.”

Essa grinned, grabbed the biggest cookie off the counter, and then flopped into one of the chairs at the kitchen table before asking with a full mouth, “Which new neighbors?”

“We saw the moving truck the other day, remember?” Essa’s mam said, checking whatever timer she had set on her phone before bustling over to take a second tray of cookies out of the oven.“The old Mills cottage down the street?”

Essa nodded wisely.“Mum said that would _never_ sell,” she said.

Her mam gave her a firm look.“Please don’t repeat that,” she said.

Essa brightened.“Ooh, can I come with you?” she asked.

Her mam smiled.“If you like.You can help me carry the cookies.”

“Is mum coming?” Her mam shook her head.“Not today, but she said we should try to invite them over to dinner if they’re nice.”She turned off the oven and then frowned down at the tray of cookies.“Do you want to help me pack these up?”Essa shoved the rest of her cookie in her mouth and then nodded and jumped down from her chair.

It took them about twenty minutes to pack up all the cookies, and then Essa’s mam made her go change her shirt into something less speckled with chocolate before they headed down the lane to the new neighbors’ house.As they walked, Essa thought.After some consideration, she did remember seeing trucks and cars and things at the old Mills cottage (it was _never_ going to sell, her mum had insisted!More leaks than shingles in the roof, and no central heating, and the back garden a veritable jungle!), as well as some strangers that didn’t seem to be movers.The most Essa remembered was seeing some guy dressed up real old-fashioned, but she had honestly been more focused on making it to the ice cream shop in time to meet her friends.

Now, as she and her mam headed down the street, her mam said a little worriedly, “Please be polite, Essa.”

“Of course,” Essa scoffed, half her attention focused on whether or not she would be able to sneak another cookie without anyone noticing. 

“I’m serious,” her mam fretted.“Don’t think I’ve forgotten what happened when the Smiths first moved in.”

Essa wormed her fingers under the tinfoil of the plate in her hands and said, “That doesn’t matter, I’m friends with Sev _now_.”

Her mam shot her a critical look, and Essa guiltily withdrew her fingers and tucked the foil back around the cookies.“Thank you,” her mam sighed, and then led her down the little path up to the old Mills cottage.In the few days since the new neighbors had moved in, they had clearly done a little work— there was a fresh coat of paint on both the house and the fence, and from what Essa could see of the back garden it didn’t look _nearly_ as exciting as a jungle.

Essa’s mam knocked lightly on the door and then stepped back, waiting patiently.A long moment later a man answered, the same old-fashioned guy Essa had seen before.He looked like he had stepped out of one of those period dramas her mum liked to watch.“Hullo,” the man said with a pleasant, slightly baffled smile.

“Good morning,” Essa’s mam replied, smiling back welcomingly.“I’m Maggie, this is my daughter Essa.We live down the street, and just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.”Essa helpfully held up the plate of cookies in her hands, offering the man a gap-toothed grin.

The man smiled back.“Oh, thank you ever so much,” he fluttered.“Would you like to come in?”He opened the door a little wider, and Essa followed her mam inside.The man closed the door behind them, and then gasped, “I’m sorry, how terribly rude of me!Ezra Fell.”

“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Fell,” Essa’s mam said with a smile, and Mr. Fell smiled warmly back.

“Oh, Ezra’s just fine,” he said, leading them through the cottage.“I’ll put the kettle on.”

Essa set her plate of cookies on the kitchen counter with one last wistful gaze, and then stepped back to let Mr. Fell to the stove.Mr. Fell seemed to notice her envy of his cookies, and said with a kind smile, “Please, do help yourself.”

“She’s already had one,” her mam said disapprovingly, but Essa was already grabbing another cookie.

“Thanks!” she chirped, deciding she rather liked Mr. Fell.She let her attention wander, looking around the kitchen with interest as her mam and Mr. Fell chatted.It was a weird mix of fancy stuff and old stuff— the counters were sleek marble and the appliances of shiny chrome, but there was a large vase of fresh flowers on the table and a ratty calendar from 2012 tacked to the wall by the door.

“I hope you don’t mind my asking,” Essa’s mam was saying as Essa’s eye caught on what looked like some kind of wind chime by the window in the other room, “I heard that you’re living here with your partner?It’s nice to have another queer couple in the neighborhood, that’s all—”

“Oh!” Mr. Fell exclaimed, sounding delighted, as Essa edged towards the door.“Oh, yes, my husband is taking a nap right now, I believe—”

Essa slunk out of the kitchen and found herself in a small, cozy living room.Sure enough, there was a little wind chime hanging in the cracked-open window, colored glass twinkling in the sun and feathers spinning slowly.It seemed almost to shine in the light, the white feather closest to Essa catching the sun in a way that made it almost look like it was glowing, and she crept a little closer with her mouth slightly open.Colored patterns shimmered on the floor, blue and red and green and white, and the feather looked soft, and Essa was just stretching out one hand to poke at it and see if she could make the colors change when—

“I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.”

Essa jumped, yelped, and spun around on her heel.Lurking behind her was a tall man dressed all in black, sunglasses covering his eyes and hair in disarray.He was grinning slightly, one eyebrow arched above his sunglasses, and even though she couldn’t see his eyes Essa _knew_ she was being studied.His teeth looked _very_ sharp, and Essa tried not to cower.

“Oh, Crowley!” Mr. Fell said from the kitchen doorway, and the spell broke as Crowley turned around.Mr. Fell frowned, an expression that wasn’t all that intimidating on his round face.“Dearest, please don’t scare the neighbors,” he said.

Crowley’s grin widened, his teeth flashing.“I would _never,_ ” he promised before swaggering into the kitchen.Essa followed, her hands tucked in her pockets, trying not to show that her pride was a little bruised.Crowley muttered something to Mr. Fell as he passed, something about _maybe it wasn’t a great idea after all to just have feathers hanging around, angel,_ and then helped himself to a cookie.

Mr. Fell cleared his throat.“Crowley, darling,” he said, the smile returning to his cheerful face.“This is Maggie, and her daughter Essa.They live just down the lane, they’ve come to welcome us!”

“Crowley,” Crowley said gruffly, reluctantly shaking Essa’s mam’s hand.His sunglasses didn’t come off.

Essa eyed him curiously, squinting just a little.She thought that, between his dark clothes and concealed eyes and almost _fang-like_ teeth, that he was almost like…

“I don’t want to impose too long,” Essa’s mam said politely, even though she was sipping at the cup of tea Mr. Fell had made for her.“We just wanted to welcome you to town.And perhaps invite you to dinner, if you’re interested?I’m sure my wife would love to meet you, too.”

“Oh, that would be lovely!” Mr. Fell exclaimed, clasping his hands together.

Crowley raised an eyebrow.“Not tonight, angel,” he said.

Mr. Fell’s forehead furrowed.“Oh?”

Crowley just raised his eyebrow a little higher, and Mr. Fell hummed.“Ah, yes.Right.”He turned to Essa’s mam and said, “We’d love to, let us know when works for you!”

“Of course,” she replied with a warm smile, apparently not thinking the exchange between Mr. Fell and his husband was odd.Essa’s mind was whirling, trying to figure out what was going on.If she… if she was right, maybe…

“We’ll get going,” Essa’s mam said, and she realized she had missed a bit of conversation.

“Thank you ever so much for coming by, it was lovely to meet you,” Mr. Fell said earnestly.Crowley just grunted, nibbling at another cookie.The adults exchanged a few more pleasantries and then Essa’s mam ushered her out a smile on her face.

Just as they left, Essa glanced over her shoulder to find Crowley grinning widely at his husband as Mr. Fell said something.

And Crowley’s teeth were definitely _fangs._

* * *

“Oh, they were so nice,” Aziraphale said delightedly as he bustled around the kitchen, making himself another cup of tea.

Crowley, from where he was lounging against the counter, smiled sardonically.“I sss’ppose.”

Aziraphale raised his eyebrows and then set his cup on the counter, stepping towards his husband.He lifted one hand, and Crowley nodded in response to his unspoken question before Aziraphale gently pulled his sunglasses off.Sure enough, just as Aziraphale had suspected, Crowley’s eyes were almost entirely yellow.When he grimaced, his incisors were a little more snake-like than normal.

“Oh, love,” Aziraphale sighed, gently caressing Crowley’s cheek.

“'m being ssstupid,” Crowley muttered, casting his eyes up to the ceiling and frowning at his lisping hiss.“Just— heard the door while I was sssleeping, didn’t know who it wasss—”

“I understand, Crowley,” Aziraphale said softly, cupping Crowley’s face with one hand.“I’ll admit I startled rather badly when they knocked on the door, too.Since we weren’t expecting anyone…”

“It could have been…” Crowley trailed off, and his eyes determinedly stayed on Aziraphale rather than flicking up or down.

“Right.Just so,” Aziraphale agreed.He sighed, leaning in to give Crowley the slightest kiss.“I suppose we’ll get used to it, my dear, once we’ve been here some time— I’m sure we’ll become less jumpy.”

“I hope ssso,” Crowley said, and then scowled.

“Would you like anything?” Aziraphale asked with a smile, stepping back again and going to the stove to fiddle with the kettle to give Crowley a moment.

“I’m fine,” Crowley replied, and his voice was a little muffled.“These cookies are pretty good, actually.”

“Oh, lovely,” Aziraphale said, pleased.He determined that Crowley was probably composed enough and turned around again, tea cupped in both hands.“We _can_ accept their dinner invitation, can't we?" he asked cautiously.Of course, he would say no in a heartbeat if it would make Crowley anxious or uncomfortable, but if the quality of the cookies was any indicating of cooking skill, well—

“Yeah, ‘course,” Crowley replied.He fiddled with his sunglasses, but didn’t put them back on.“Just… not tonight.”

Aziraphale smiled brightly, warm affection welling in his chest.“Oh, yes, I know.”He and Crowley had been eating dinner out for the last few days as they had been getting settled into their new home, but Crowley had promised to cook their first meal in their new kitchen, and it was all just… so delightfully _domestic_.The future with Crowley he had always fervently dreamed of, that was now _finally_ coming true.

Crowley offered him a small smile, tucking his sunglasses away for good.“Alright if I go out in the garden for a tick?” he asked, and Aziraphale nodded.

“Of course, darling.I have a bit of restoration to do that I was thinking of starting in on…?”

“I’ll come find you for dinner,” Crowley replied with a knowing grin, stepping across the kitchen to kiss him quickly before disappearing out the back door with a raised hand.

Aziraphale smiled fondly after him, rather besotted and not even all that embarrassed about it.

* * *

The next morning, Essa was up early and ready to act.She had been mulling over her theories about Crowley all night, and she had come to a conclusion she was ready to share with her friends.“Mam?” she hollered, standing by the front door and pulling on her shoes one-handed.

“Mam’s out,” her mum called back from somewhere in the depths of the house.“Can I help?”

“I’m going out!” Essa yelled, tugging at her second shoe in her eagerness to get out the door before her mum told her she had to stay home and do something boring like _chores_.She wasn’t quick enough— her mum appeared in the doorway, hands planted sternly on her hips.

“Where to?” she asked.

Essa pouted, her traitorous shoe finally fitting on her foot.“Just to the park.Sev and Rory are prolly already there!”

Her mum sighed.“Just be back by dark, please,” she said.“That stray dog that chased Mr. Mornings’ son is still on the loose, they haven’t managed to catch it yet, and you know how your mam worries—“

“OK!”Essa said quickly, and then was out the door before any other ultimatums were imparted upon her.

Sure enough, when she reached the park with her old, junky bike in tow, her friends were already there.Sev was settled under a tree, lying on his back and talking to Rory as she hung upside down from one of the branches.When she caught sight of Essa, Rory almost fell, scrambling.Sev sat up, and said with a grin, “Finally!My mum said you said ten!”

“It’s not _that_ late,” Essa said scornfully, dropping to sit next to him.

“ _My_ sibling said nine-fifty,” Rory added, plopping down in the grass and rubbing at her grass-stained knee.Essa grimaced.She had been a bit more ambitious at how quickly she could get out of the house when she had called Rory.

“Doesn’t matter,” she said dismissively, and Rory half-heartedly threw a handful of grass at her.

“You said you had something important to tell us?” Sev asked, picking some of the grass out of his hair.“My mum said _you_ said it was important.”

“Can’t be that important, if she’s late,” Rory said with a grin.

Essa glared at her, and then said, “I guess it’s not that important.Unless you think... _the supernatural_ is important.”

That got their attention, and Rory even stopped sprinkling grass on Sev’s head for a moment.“Go on, then,” she urged.

Essa grinned and leaned forward.Her friends mirrored her, listening eagerly.“So I went with my mam to go meet Mr. Fell and his husband Crowley, the new neighbors, yesterday,” Essa started, and Sev lit up.

“Oh!” he exclaimed.“My mum met Mr. Fell too!She said it was real nice that such good friends could live together.”

“I thought Essa said they were married,” Rory said, frowning.

Sev frowned back.“Are they?My mum said they were good friends, s’all.”

Rory stuck her nose haughtily in the air.“That’s _very_ hetranormating.”

Sev screwed his face up.“Wassat?”

“I learned ‘bout it from my sibling,” Rory told him.“They said it’s when you assume people aren’t lesbians, like Essa’s mums. _Or_ Mr. Fell and Mr… uh, other Fell!”She gave him a pointed glare, which was returned with little vitriol.

“I dunno about lesbians,” Essa said a little doubtfully, trying to steer them back on track.“But they’re definitely husbands, Mr. Fell said so.But _that_ wasn’t what I wanted to tell you.”

“What, then?” Rory said impatiently, Sev nodding in agreement.

Essa grinned, leaned forward.“I think that Mr. Fell’s husband is a vampire!”That pronouncement got immediate and violent reactions from both of her friends.

“What?” Rory screeched.

At the same time, Sev exclaimed, “That’s not possible!”

Essa sat back, supremely satisfied.Sev fixed his gaze on her and said, “I don’t even think vampires are real!”

“Sure they are,” Essa replied.“‘else, how could Crowley be one?”

“Did he try to drink your blood?” Rory asked eagerly, leaning forward onto her hands.

“Nah,” Essa replied, not wanting to admit that that hadn't even occurred to her.

“Then, what?” Sev demanded.“Why d’you think he’s a vampire?”

“He dresses all in black,” Essa explained with the air of someone very wise generously dispensing their wisdom.“And everyone knows that only vampires dress _all_ in black.And he was wearing sunglasses indoors, probably on account of his vampire mind-control powers.And he was sleeping during the day, which was prolly cuz vampires are nocturnal. _And_ he has fangs.Saw ‘em myself.There’s _obviously_ no other explanation, ‘cept he’s a vampire.”

Sev snorted.“Maybe he just has sharp teeth,” he said, but without much conviction.After all, he found the idea of a real-life _vampire_ moving into their boring little village just as exciting as the rest of them, even if he didn’t necessarily believe in vampires.

Essa vehemently shook her head.“ _Fangs,”_ she insisted.

“Why would a vampire move to south England?” Sev mused.“I thought they were all in America and, uh… Transylvania?”

The three of them thought about it for a long moment, and then Essa shrugged.“Maybe there’s no more room in Transylvania and America for more vampires.They _are_ immortal, right, so maybe it gets too crowded.”

“Vampires _are_ getting more common,” Rory said thoughtfully.“I saw a headline in the _National World Weekly_ in the grocery store the other day.‘ ** _Vampires On Rise Worldwide!_** _’_ [1] Must be true, if a _newspaper_ said so.”

They wondered for a moment at the thought of such a creditable newspaper reporting about vampires, and then Rory said, “D’you think Mr. Fell knows?That his husband is a vampire, I mean.”

“Huh,” Sev said thoughtfully.“He must, mustn’t he?It’s probably a hard thing to hide.‘Specially if you don’t age.”

Rory’s eyes widened.“What if Mr. Fell’s a prisoner!” she exclaimed.“What if Mr. Crowley’s keeping him there until he drinks his blood?”

Essa wrinkled her nose, thinking about that.“Nah, I don’t think so,” she finally decided, and since she was the only one that had met both of them, she was the authority.“After all, if Crowley was sleeping all the time during the day, Mr. Fell would escape, wouldn’t he?”

“Maybe he _wants_ to be a vampire,” Sev said darkly.“For the immortality, I mean.”

“Mind control powers would be pretty cool,” Rory added.“Maybe Mr. Fell is trying to convince Mr. Crowley to turn him.”

“Maybe,” Essa said doubtfully.

Rory eyed her, and then said abruptly, jumping to her feet, “Let’s go over there, I wanna meet them.It’s not fair, that Essa’s the only one who has!”

Sev got up as well.“Yeah,” he agreed.

“OK,” Essa said.“But we gotta be _subtle.”_ She nodded assuredly.“We can be like detectives.”

Rory grinned.“Dibs on Sherlock Holmes!” she yelled, and then took off running.

“No fair!” Sev cried, and took off after her.Essa smiled widely and followed after them, her bike rattling away at her side.

The three paused a block away from the old Mills cottage to regroup, and decided to pretend that they were just passing by.After all, Rory insisted, if they were being detectives then they needed to do it _right._ So when the three strolled by the cottage, they were all determinedly chattering amongst themselves and also very unsubtly watching out of the corners of their eyes.

Mr. Fell was out in the garden, his sleeves rolled up and dark red gardening gloves looking rather out of place on his hands.Essa pretended quite dramatically to notice him, and then said, “Oh, hi, Mr. Fell!”

Mr. Fell glanced up and smiled when he saw them.He straightened, dusting some nonexistent dirt off his hands.“Good morning, Essa,” he said in a friendly voice, and then glanced questioningly at her friends.

“Oh, this is Rory and Sev,” Essa said, gesturing carelessly.She was eager to get to the detective work and questioning, but it seemed as though Mr. Fell wasn’t on the same page.

“Sev?” he repeated politely.

“It’s short for Seven,” Sev said.He seemed to take note of the polite bafflement on Mr. Fell’s face, and added, “My real name’s John Smith the Fourth, but there’s already two John Smiths at school— the one on Elm Street is called John, and the one on Maplewood is Smithy— so people just call me Seven.Sev.”

Mr. Fell blinked a few times, and then asked, “Why… Seven, though, if you’re the fourth?”

“I’m John Smith the Fourth, and I’m the third John Smith at school, and four and three is seven,” Sev replied.“Anyway, I wouldn’t want to be called _four.”_ He wrinkled his nose in distaste.

“I… see,” Mr. Fell said slowly.

Essa shoved her hands in her pockets, fancied she had a pipe in her mouth and a pair of spectacles on her nose, and asked, “Where’s Mr. Crowley?”

Mr. Fell glanced over his shoulder almost instinctively, and then answered, “I’d imagine he’s still sleeping.”

“Wish my mum’d let me sleep this late,” Sev said casually, even though he regularly got up at six in the morning of his own volition.

Mr. Fell chuckled.“Crowley has always liked sleeping,” he said, and then lowered his voice as though he was sharing a secret.“And I’m afraid the sun didn’t entirely agree with him yesterday, he might be sulking a little bit, too.”

Essa, Sev, and Rory all exchanged gleeful looks.“That’s too bad,” Rory said, her sentiment belied by the wide grin on her face.

Mr. Fell looked a little puzzled again, but he just nodded.“Yes, right,” he said slowly.“So I’m just managing a little of the garden for him this morning.I thought some fresh flowers might cheer him up.”He clamped his mouth shut and smiled tightly.

“That’s nice,” Essa said, a little more sincerely than Rory had managed.She grabbed Rory’s hand and the back of Sev’s shirt, and tugged them away.“Nice to see you, Mr. Fell!Have a nice morning!”

“You… too,” Mr. Fell called back, sounding rather confused.

As soon as they were all out of earshot, the three children all started giggling.“You’re right!” Rory exclaimed, excitedly batting at Essa’s shoulder.“He must be a vampire, sun not agreeing with him?”

“Bet Mr. Fell’s not a prisoner, though, he prolly wants to be a vampire,” Sev added, straightening his shirt from where Essa had wrinkled it.“They’re prolly proper husbands, if they’re giving each other flowers and all.”

“ _Obviously_ ,” Essa scoffed.She couldn’t suppress her smile, though, very satisfied at having been proved right.There really was a vampire living in her neighborhood!It was probably the most exciting thing that had happened to her yet!

1 Story by Sara-Lee Simmons-Mustard, also the _National World Weekly’s_ star war correspondent following the mysterious disappearance of Red Zuigiber.Although, unlike Red’s stories, Sara-Lee’s war reporting tended less towards real conflicts, and more towards the impending battle between the werewolves (led by the British Prime Minister) and the skinwalkers (led by Elvis Presley).[return to text]

* * *

Aziraphale watched the neighborhood children scamper away, giggling and leaning against each other, with vague, confused amusement.Children were often more attuned to the occult and ethereal than adults, so he wasn’t all that surprised that young Essa and her friends seemed to think something was _up_ with him and Crowley, but for the most part it seemed rather harmless.

With a small smile he selected a few flowers from the garden for his bouquet and then pulled off Crowley’s gardening gloves, his pants miraculously dirt-free as he headed inside.He changed out the vase of flowers on the kitchen table (how nice it was, to have fresh flowers every day!It made him almost giddy with happiness— the thought of small joys like fresh flowers from Crowley’s garden, in their shared house, their shared life), and then headed upstairs.

Sure enough, as he had expected, Crowley was still in bed.To be fair, it was hardly half past ten, and his darling serpent did _so_ love his sleep.And Aziraphale hadn’t been lying, when he had said that Crowley was sulking.

Crowley lifted his head when Aziraphale came into the bedroom, and said sleepily, “‘lo, angel.”

Aziraphale smiled affectionately.“Good morning, my dear.”He sat down on the edge of the bed, leaning down to give Crowley a gentle good morning kiss.Crowley smiled against his lips in spite of himself.“How are you feeling this morning, love?” Aziraphale asked, gently tugging the covers down a little to expose Crowley’s sunburnt shoulders.He had spent all afternoon the day before out in the garden without a thought to human trifles like sunburn, and now was apparently reaping his reward.

Crowley huffed.“Just fine,” he said stubbornly.

“You won’t let me heal you?” Aziraphale asked hopefully.

Crowley’s jaw set.“Nothing to heal,” he replied.“Sun’s only a star.I put its siblings up in the sky myself, so it can bloody well _behave_.”

Aziraphale sighed slightly.“Alright, if you insist.”

Crowley rolled his eyes, sitting up in bed.As the covers pooled in his lap the sunburn disappeared from his shoulders.Aziraphale hid his fond smile, not succeeding in any way, and asked, “Do you have any exciting plans for the day, dearest?”

“Nah,” Crowley replied.He reached out and took Aziraphale’s hand, lacing their fingers together.“We could, ngh, we could do a picnic?If you wanted?Nice day, I think.It’d _better_ be,” he added, glaring skyward as if the sun could sense his wrath even from inside.

Aziraphale beamed at him.“Oh, that sounds delightful!”He smiled sappily, and added in a soft voice, “It’s quite time, I believe.Since we’ve done the Ritz plenty, now.”

Crowley smiled back softly, a little nervously.“Right.I’ll get dressed?”

“Take your time, dearheart,” Aziraphale said.“I can go pack a picnic basket.”

He made to stand up, but Crowley squeezed his fingers.“Since we’re not in a hurry…” he said with a sly smile, and then tugged Aziraphale back to bed.

Aziraphale smiled, knowing exactly what he wanted, and kissed him.

* * *

Essa was in the middle of cleaning her room.It was a completely pointless chore, she seethed as she picked up a few of her books and stuffed them on the shelves.Just because Mr. Fell and Crowley were coming over to dinner didn’t mean that her room needed to be clean!They wouldn’t even come upstairs.Her mam was just using their visit as an excuse to make Essa do chores!

With a scowl on her face she shoved a few dirty shirts under her bed with a stuffed bear, and then headed downstairs.Her room was as clean as she was willing to make it, and her mam probably wouldn’t check until after dinner anyway.She found her mam in the kitchen, standing at the stove and cooking something that smelled really good.Her mum was seated at the table, glasses perched on her nose and papers scattered on the table as she pecked at her laptop.She’d better clean _that_ up before dinner, Essa thought bitterly, else they’d have an awful time trying to eat.Or maybe they’d eat in Essa’s room, since apparently _that_ needed to be clean, but not the kitchen.

“What’re we having for dinner?” Essa asked, coming to stand beside her mam and peering at the pots on the stove.Her mam smiled down at her.“I thought spaghetti bolognese would be nice,” she said.“Don’t worry, I set aside some plain sauce for you.”

Essa smiled, her uncharitable feelings forgotten for the time being.“Do you know how to make garlic bread?” her mam asked, and Essa brightened.She was pretty sure vampires didn’t like garlic (that was, like, one of the biggest things, wasn’t it?), so this would be a perfect test of Crowley.

Essa took the cut bread her mam had set out and started slathering butter on it— she wasn’t sure quite how much was needed, but was pretty sure there couldn’t be too much.After struggling briefly to reach the garlic in the cupboard, her mum got up from the table to help her.

“My tall, lovely wife, while you’re up,” Essa’s mam said, smiling over her shoulder, “Would you get some wine down as well?”

Essa’s mum grinned.“Of course.I need to earn my keep somehow.”

“Oh, you do far more than that,” Essa’s mam giggled, leaning up for a kiss.

While her mums were distracted flirting, Essa glanced over her shoulder and then dumped a significant amount of garlic on each piece of bread, shoving them all into the warmed up oven before her mam could check her work.

“Thanks, kiddo,” her mam said distractedly, giving her mum one last kiss before returning her attention to the stove.Essa grinned, and slipped out of the kitchen.

The house was smelling very garlicky by the time there was a knock on the door, and Essa rushed to answer before either of her parents could.When she opened the door she found Mr. Fell and Crowley standing on the stoop, Mr. Fell holding what looked like a pie in his hands.

“Good evening,” Crowley drawled.It was dark out, and he was still wearing his sunglasses, and his teeth flashed white in the porch light.Essa grinned.She was certain that ‘good evening’ was a thing that vampires said all the time!

Essa’s mum came up behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder.“Essa, if you don’t move, they can’t get in,” she said with a laugh, and then added, “Please, come in.”Essa moved aside, watching carefully, but the invitation inside had been given so Crowley didn’t seem to have any issues stepping over the entranceway.

“Thank you ever so much for having us,” Mr. Fell said cheerfully, handing the pie to his husband so he could take off his coat.

“Of course,” Essa’s mum said with a laugh.“We’re happy to have you over…?”

“Ezra,” Mr. Fell quickly filled in.“And this is my husband Anthony.”

“Priya,” Essa’s mum said, shaking both of their hands, and then she said to Essa, “Would you go help your mam set the table?We’re eating in the dining room today.”

Essa nodded quickly, giving Crowley one last suspicious look before wandering off.He _probably_ wouldn’t turn her mum into a vampire while she was gone.

Sure enough, by the time Essa, her mums, Mr. Fell, and Crowley all sat down at the table to eat, Crowley still seemed to be the only vampire at the table.Dishes were passed around as her parents and the new neighbors made casual small talk, and Essa grinned gleefully when she saw Crowley take a piece of garlic bread along with his tiny serving of spaghetti.

“Oh, we’re both recently retired,” Mr. Fell was saying in response to some question.

“ _Recently_ ,” Crowley said with a tiny smile.“It’s been nearly five years, angel.”

Mr. Fell gave him the kind of soppy, adoring smile that Essa’s mums gave each other sometimes.“Recently in the span of our entire lives,” he amended.“Anyway, it’s been wonderful, we get to see so much more of each other than we used to.”He patted Crowley’s hand fondly.

“That sounds lovely,” Essa’s mum said with a smile.

“Oh, and what do you two do?” Mr. Fell asked, but before either of them could answer, Crowley started coughing violently.“My dear, are you alright?” Mr. Fell exclaimed, putting a hand on his husband’s shoulder.

“Garlic,” Crowley managed to rasp out, and then coughed again, doubled over, his face red.

Essa spied the piece of garlic bread on his plate, the tiny bite he had taken that was apparently making him cough so hard, and started to worry.She hadn’t wanted to hurt Crowley, not at all— he seemed nice, as immortal supernatural bloodsuckers went— she had just wanted to prove to her friends that he was definitely a vampire!

Essa’s mum jumped up from the table, dashing off to the kitchen, and her mam tried the garlic bread before spitting her bite into her napkin and exclaiming, “Jesus, that’s far too much garlic!”

Essa’s mum returned with a glass of water and Mr. Fell helped his husband drink it, frowning worriedly and rubbing his shoulder.When Crowley had drained his water he stood up.“Sorry, need a moment,” he said in a hoarse voice before staggering into the kitchen.Mr. Fell gazed after him, his lips pursed, but didn’t seem to think he’d need any help.

Guilt squirmed in Essa’s gut, and she said in a soft voice, “‘m sorry.”

Mr. Fell glanced at her, and gave her a slightly shaky smile.“An honest mistake, I’m sure,” he said.“Crowley will be perfectly fine, he just has a sensitive, er… sense of taste.”

“Essa, next time please tell me if you made a cooking mistake, alright?” her mam added with a resigned sigh.Essa nodded.

Mr. Fell’s smile looked a little more sure when he said, “No harm done, dear girl.”

A moment later Crowley returned from the kitchen, blushing just slightly, his sunglasses a little crooked on his nose.“Alright, darling?” Mr. Fell asked, and Crowley nodded before sitting back down.

“Tickety-boo,” he grumbled, and then stuffed his mouth with spaghetti.

Essa slid down a little in her chair and picked at her dinner.The meal continued on without any more incidents after that, the friendly conversation picking back up following only a moment of awkward silence.

When Essa was finished eating she excused herself from the table and darted upstairs, ducking into her mums’ bedroom.She glanced over her shoulder to make sure neither of them had followed her, and then borrowed her mum’s laptop.In the privacy of her own room, she logged on as a guest and then quickly looked up _does garlic kill vampires._ After a few tense moments, she breathed a sigh of relief.The answer seemed to ambiguously be _no_ , and it was like a weight off her shoulders.If the internet said Crowley was fine, then she was more than ready to believe it.

Essa returned her mum’s laptop to their bedroom and then flopped down on her own bed, thinking hard.Maybe Crowley was only half a vampire?That was probably something that was possible— after all, he probably went out in the sun sometimes, and the garlic had only made him cough a little.Or maybe he was just a really strong vampire!One that wasn’t affected by things like other vampires, and probably had other cool supernatural powers to boot.

Essa mused over that idea for a good while, and idly thought about calling Rory or Sev to talk it over, but it was late enough that her mums probably wouldn’t let her.

And then she sat up abruptly, remembering suddenly one last thing she had said she would do.The day before, when Essa had told her friends that Mr. Fell and Crowley were coming for dinner, Rory had given her a book she had borrowed from her sibling.A book about vampires, specifically, to give to Mr. Fell.As a warning (thought Sev), or as research (suggested Rory).

Essa bit her lip and dug the book out from under her bed, where she had hidden it.It was a book she was nearly sure her mums would be mad at her for having, even though she hadn’t actually read it, but she _had_ to give it a try.She had promised Rory, at any rate.

Downstairs, she heard the scrape of chairs and the sound of conversation move from the dining room to vaguely near the door.Essa jumped up, hugging the book against her chest as she thumped down the stairs.Sure enough, she found Crowley and Mr. Fell standing in the foyer, still chatting with her mums (“Would you like a ride home?It isn’t far, but that stray dog is still on the loose—““Oh, I’m sure we’ll be quite fine, it’s a lovely hour for a little constitutional—“).

Crowley caught sight of her first, standing at the bottom of the stairs, and even though his eyes were covered she was nearly sure he winked.

Essa swallowed hard and then slipped around her mums and quickly shoved the book into Mr. Fell’s hands, cover facing down.“This is for you to borrow,” she said, her eyes wide.

But instead of just taking the book unquestioningly like he was _supposed_ to, Mr. Fell turned it over and read, “ _Twilight: Breaking—_ Oh.Oh, my.”He looked up, eyes darting between Essa and her mums, very clearly unsure of what to do.At his side, Crowley looked like he was trying very hard not to grin.

“Vanessa Bakshi-Macdonald, is that what I think it is?” Essa’s mum said in a low voice.Essa bit her lip.Her mum reached a hand out, and Mr. Fell surrendered the book with obvious relief.

“Vanessa, you are not old enough to be reading a book like this,” her mam added, frowning.

“It’s not mine!” Essa squawked.“It’s Rory’s sibling’s!”

Her mum sighed deeply.“Please go upstairs,” she said.“We’ll talk about this in a bit.”

“Apologize to Mr. Fell first,” her mam added, arms crossed over her chest.

“Sorrymrfell,” Essa said, her jaw set.She didn’t feel very sorry at all.

Mr. Fell smiled down at her, and he seemed vaguely amused.“Quite alright,” he said affably.“It’s, er.Well, perhaps not the type of book I’d choose to read, but I’m sure _some_ people must enjoy it.”

Essa stared up at him, her eyes narrowing.Mr. Fell almost seemed to wink, and then he was looking sideways at his husband and saying something in a low voice.

Essa turned on her heel and ran up the stairs before her mums could lecture her anymore.Once her back was turned, she grinned.That wink, from Mr. Fell— he must know he was married to a vampire!

* * *

It was completely dark by the time Crowley and Aziraphale left their new neighbors’ house, but the walk back wasn’t terribly long at all, so Crowley didn’t seem to feel the need to make his car appear.Instead, as they walked Aziraphale linked their arms together, leaning against Crowley’s side.

“They’re nice,” Crowley said finally, and when Aziraphale looked up he had a pensive expression on his face.“Kid’s weird.”

Aziraphale recognized that for the compliment it was and chuckled.“I do hope she won’t be in too much trouble.I expect she meant well, with the whole book thing.”

“That was strange,” Crowley said, and this time his tone was thoughtful, curious.“I guess she saw all your books at home and figured you’d like any book?”He shrugged slightly.

Aziraphale tried not to physically glow at his darling calling their cottage _home,_ and just said, “Oh, I’m sure it was entirely in line with her suspicions.”

“Suspicions?” Crowley repeated, his brow furrowing slightly.

Aziraphale slowly smiled, delighted.“Oh, you haven’t guessed?” he said teasingly.

Crowley raised an eyebrow.“Just spit it out, then, angel,” he said, his sharp words belied by the fond little squeeze he gave Aziraphale’s arm.

“My dearest love,” Aziraphale said with a laugh in his voice, “I do believe young Essa thinks you’re a vampire.”

Crowley barked out a short, surprised laugh, and then hummed.“That explains some things, then,” he said.“The _Twilight,_ for a start.And the garlic bread.”He shuddered dramatically.“Fuck’s sake, it was like having an entire head of garlic shoved up my nose.”

“My poor darling,” Aziraphale said sympathetically, and Crowley stuck out his tongue.Aziraphale patted his arm.“It’s a good thing you’re not a vampire then, just a demon serpent, hm?”

“Hm,” Crowley agreed.He smiled crookedly, teasing, and bent to brush his lips against Aziraphale’s neck.“Shall I suck your blood, then, if I’m a vampire?” he whispered, his breath hot.“Or is there something else you’d rather I—?”

Aziraphale cut him off with a kiss, and Crowley grinned against his lips.When they finally parted and resumed their leisurely stroll home, Crowley said, “I guess that’s not the worst thing someone’s ever assumed about me.I’d rather be mistaken for a vampire than for, say, a Satanist.Bloody embarrassing, that.”

Aziraphale leaned his head against Crowley’s shoulder.“I’m sure,” he said with a grin.“Although walking around as you do—“

“Thanks, angel,” Crowley grumbled, but Aziraphale could hear the smile in his voice.

They reached the fence at the edge of their property, and Crowley took the opportunity to sweep Aziraphale into a kiss that tasted of wine and love.“Just so you know,” he murmured as Aziraphale rested his hands on Crowley’s waist, “I may not be a vampire, but my other offer still stands.”He let his sunglasses slide down his nose just enough to wink with one serpentine eye over the lenses.With that he turned and swaggered up the path to their cottage.

Aziraphale smiled, laughed quietly, and then quickly followed after.

* * *

It was the middle of the afternoon, but the clouds overhead blocked the sun enough to make the day seem kind of grey and dim and heavy.Essa was walking home from Sev’s house, scuffing her shoes as she went.Her mums had technically wanted her to be home for lunch— she wasn’t grounded, but they were both still a little tetchy, apparently accusing the neighbors of vampirism was not something they approved of— but it wasn’t her fault she was late!Probably.

Glancing dubiously up at the sky, Essa made a face and ducked down a side street that led down through the fields instead of the town.It was more isolated, but it would get her home a little quicker, especially if it was threatening to rain.

Essa was deep in her thoughts, staring down at the dusty track, when she heard rustling in the tall grass to her left.She paused, some instinct tingling at the back of her mind.“Hullo?” she said softly.There was no answer.

And then the grass rustled again, and she thought she heard a panting sound, and suddenly her mum’s warnings about the stray dog going around chasing people flashed through her head.

“Oh, no,” she whispered, and took off running down the path.

Overhead, thunder rumbled, and the rustling in the grass seemed to follow her.And then when Essa glanced over her shoulder, she saw a large, mangy-looking dog loping after her.Her breath caught in her throat and she tried desperately to remember if her mam had said the dog was just chasing people, or trying to bite them, and she looked over her shoulder again to see how close it was and then— she slammed into someone on the path.

“Whoa!” a familiar voice said as a hand on her shoulder steadied her, and Essa looked up to see Crowley staring down at her through his ever-present sunglasses.

“Dog!” she managed to gasp, and Crowley looked up to see the stray dog still bounding down the lane.

“Right,” he said, gently ushering Essa behind himself, and then he faced down the dog.Essa flinched, expecting it to attack him or something, but to her surprise the dog stopped in the middle of the path.Crowley made a low growling noise in the back of his throat, and the dog hunched down low, suddenly looking downright _contrite._ As Essa watched, Crowley lowered his sunglasses just slightly, and she caught sight of yellow-y eyes as he stared down the dog.The dog yipped and then ran away, disappearing into the brush.

Crowley pushed his sunglasses back up the bridge of his nose and then glanced down at Essa.“Problem solved.I’ll walk you back home, shall I?”

“Where did it go?” Essa blurted, looking back down the path even as she started to walk slowly in the direction of her house after Crowley.

Crowley smiled just slightly.“I think he’s run off to the next village over, where he’ll be able to find a nice family to live with and stop chasing kids,” he said finally.

Essa chanced another look up at him and found him smirking a little as he gazed off down the lane.“Mr. Crowley,” she said tentatively, walking just a little bit slower as the roof of her house appeared over the next hill.“Did you hypnotize that dog?”

“What, with my vampire mind powers?” Crowley asked with a grin, eyebrows raised above his glasses.Essa gawped at him.Crowley shook his head.“Nope, no hypnosis,” he said, and he might have been making fun of her but Essa found she didn’t really care.“I just, hm, _suggested_ that he’d best be off somewhere else,” Crowley added.

“Oh.”Essa was quiet for a long moment, until they reached her house and were at the end of the walk.“Um, I’m sorry about the garlic,” she said finally.

Crowley cocked his head, studying her, and then said, “It’s alright.Can’t fault you, I guess.”He grinned, and his teeth didn’t look as terribly sharp as before.

“Thanks, Mr. Crowley!” Essa said brightly, and then ran up the walk and into her house.

“Don’t thank me!” Crowley yelled after her, but he didn’t sound too mad.

“Essa?” her mam called from the other room as she let the door slam behind her, but Essa didn’t answer with more than a rushed “Hi!”Her mind whirling, she grabbed the phone and sat down at the kitchen table, contemplating who to call before deciding on Rory.She’d be easier to convince, probably.

The phone rang twice and when Rory picked up Essa didn’t even wait for her to say anything before she exclaimed, “I don’t think Crowley is a vampire!”

“What?” Rory said, although it was more of a screech.“I thought you said he reacted to the garlic!”

“I just saw him talk to a dog,” Essa said quickly.“And you know what kind of, of creature, can talk to dogs, and also has sharp teeth and sleeps during the day sometimes and has yellow eyes?A wolf!”

“What?” Rory said again, sounding lost.

“Rory,” Essa said seriously.“He’s not a vampire.I think Mr. Crowley is a werewolf!”

**Author's Note:**

> listen nothing i write should be taken seriously ever, but i'm having a good time and i hope you are too
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! I'm [here](https://asideofourown.tumblr.com/) if that's something you're into.


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